The griefing is forever


Waking up in the early morning is always a struggle nowadays. Usually, we  wake up every morning to perform our Subuh prayer with the sound of our dad's voice which adds a joy to performing our prayer together. I miss that. He always makes jokes to lift our mood. You know, he is surrounded by all the women in the house who are always not in a good mood no matter what time of day it is. That gave us a wide smile. It does make me laugh to remember that.

The past month has really been a struggle. It's like you want to be mad. You want to be angry? But you have no idea why. It's just that feeling you want to lash out. I bawled my eyes out on my sajadah. Sobbing hard. I know. I realise I should not be that way. But I need to let it out. There are many friends on my Instagram DM-ed me but there's one person really stood out among the rest. The message really open my eyes. Like being slap in the face to finally realize. The person told me to tell everything to Allah swt. Merintih is the exact word. I did. I cry, but not too hard. I need to control myself. At that time. I was at my lowest point in my life. I eat less. I'm losing weight. I smile, but I don't really smile. I laugh, but I don't really laugh. It hit us hard. Ramadan and Raya feel entirely different. Our birthday feels different. It's hard. I push everything away. The numbness (is still there) seeps into me. I miss my dad every single time. We miss him every day.

One thing for sure, I never regret quitting my job to take care of my dad and doing our business together. We got to take care of him until his last breath.

Am I okay now? Are we over grieving? No, our grief for our father will last forever. But me and my family are in a better position. We are able to focus on our daily lives better. I mean, here I am typing this out. He is always in our hearts.

love always.

Your cute annoying daughter,

Fatina xx